quinta-feira, 2 de abril de 2009

How to get your hands on a man

(londonpaper - 31 March 2009)

Scared of being a spinster? One woman reveals the secrets of snaring an eligible guy in the capital

When singleton Lucy-Anne Holmes was rejected by a man with a text saying "soz", she was tempted to give up on love.
Instead, she rallied and started a blog, spinstersquest.com, to chart her search for a man. Now, she has turned her experience into a book - and found herself a boyfriend.
Lucy-Anne, who is 32 and lives in Camden, gives us her tips for pulling in the capital...

FIRSTLY:
* Lower your expectations: looking for a handsome, wealthy man with a good job? Try looking for a man with hair and a job. When you expect little, you can only be right or pleasantly surprised.

* Talk to all men as though they are ugly: most will be anyway. But if faced with an example of Gillete-ad perfection, pretend he's butters, quick, before you start dribbling.

* Flatter 'em: there's nothing more irresistible to a man than a woman who's in love with him. Behaving in this way will make you feel queasy at first, but wait until you see them melt.

* Remember we were all born shy... and terrified of pulling, but God invented large glasses of wine and "buy two, get the rest of the bottle free" offers to help us.

READY? NOW TRY:
1. Speed dating: pick a cheap one. Some are only £20 to meet 20 men. A bargain. The Poundland of dating.

2. Singles' night: start with a pint of strong lager, follow with a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Move quickly on to spirits. Say: "How about we each go off and get more drunk and then meet for a snog at 11?"

3. Pulling in a pub: pubs are full of men. A man goes to a pub to demonstrate he can drink lager and entertain friends with stories about football and drinking lager. Say: "You're very funny. Are you a comedian?" or "Would you like a pint of lager?"

4. Places where men go:
* Toilet: position yourself in a bar at a table near the men's. Say things like: "I hope you washed your hands." Repeat until someone offers you a drink or you get removed by the bouncer.

* Rush hour: perfect opportunity to get as close to a man as physically possible, bar penetration. Start with "nice armpit" then proceed to "is that book good?"

* An acoustic night: always full of men. This is because every man has a friend who is tone deaf, yet insist on performing songs. Say: "Are you in a band?" He will love this.

* Dog walking: borrow or steal a canine and go to Hampstead Heath. Run round yelling: "You're a frisky one! Just like mummy."

* Football: The perfect line to say when watching football is: "Do you play football yourself?" To which most will respond: "Yes, I nearly went professional, but I had to give up because of an injury." Act fascinated.

LASTLY:
* Pulling at work: cast your eyes around the open-plan office. Is there a specimen of male perfection you might have overlooked?

a) Yes. If yes, buy some biscuits, put them in a Tupperware, then approach said man, saying: "Would you like a cookie I made with some disadvantaged children this weekend?" Then lift your skirt up to reveal a lacy stocking top ad scratch your leg. Not too much - don't let him think you have shingles.

b) No. If no, lower your standard and try again. Pinot Grigio will help.


Troque Hampstead Heath por Parque do Sabiá ou Parque do Ibirapuera, quando adequado. Espero que seja de proveito pra alguém...

Ah, a propósito, se alguém estiver interessado no livro, ele se chama "50 ways to find a lover".

3 comentários:

  1. IUAHIUAHIUAHAHIUHAIUHAHAIUHUIHAIUHIAUHIUAHAIUHIAHIAUHIUAHIUAHIUAHIUAHIUAHIUAHIUHAIUHAAIUHAIUHAIUHAUHUAHUIHAIUHIAUHAI

    Ela apela demais!! Eu ainda não to nesse nível!! Espero que não chegue, mas vou manter o nome dela em mente!

    ResponderExcluir
  2. bom, eu acho que já to quase nesse ponto! vc aceita encomendas???? por favor, eu quero um exemplar, três garrafas de Pinot Grigio e o endereço de uns dez pubs, pelo menos!

    ResponderExcluir
  3. Ficar de plantão perto do banheiro masculino é fim de carreira!
    HAHAHAAH! MIMATO antes de chegar a esse ponto!

    Mas a parte das bebidas é bem bacana. Não que eu beba...longe disso.

    ResponderExcluir

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